Things that are going to be hard to not have next year:
* Affection and compliments from students. There is always two or three students have year that lavish me with daily compliments, cards, pictures, hugs, etc. I am really going to miss feeling so loved everyday.
* Funny stories. At least one thing happens daily at school that leaves me speechless and left with a funny story. Their witty remarks, hilarious perceptions, awkward spellings, etc. I am going to miss the entertainment that these eight year olds give me!
* Time in the car alone. I don't live far from work, but I do cherish the few moments I get alone every day in the car. To think, sing, whatever. I don't know if I am 100% ready to be with Bennett all day, every day.
Things I am definitely NOT going to miss next year:
* Rushed mornings. I hate waking up before the sun every day to get dressed, ready, wake up Bennett, quickly feed him something, and rushing out the door to be to school by 7:30. I am looking forward to no waking up to an alarm clock and actually enjoying a breakfast together.
* The fast pace of Billings. People are always in a hurry and are (in general) not the friendlist.
* Having no window or sunlight all day. I am excited to see outside (whether it be sunny or snowing)
ALL. DAY. LONG.
* Working in an over-critical, micro-managed, cliquey environment. On my last day, I know a huge wave of relief will wash over me.
Friday, May 19, 2017
Thursday, May 4, 2017
With Each Box
With each box I pack at school, I feel lighter. The boxes themselves are literally heavy. Ten years of teaching materials is overwhelming. Yet, with each box I tape shut, a flood of peace washes over me.
Most decisions in my life, I over-anaylze and think to death. I question everything. Yet, leaving my job, which is arguably one of the most drastic things I have ever chosen to do, has left me at peace. I am not questioning whether it is the right choice, because I now on a very deep level that it is. It just feels right.
I am struggling more with packing up things at home. My little green house on Meadowood was the first place that felt like home after my mom died. I spent years moving from house to house, place to place, and when I bought that house (using my mom's life insurance money), I knew I had a stable home all my own. It is where I got married and brought my baby home. I took dozens of wheelbarrows full of rocks and planted my favorite flowers. It has been my safe haven for a decade, and I am struggling moving away from it.
The rational part of me knows that my home is wherever I am with Nick and Bennett. I just desperately hope that I get the same sense of security at the cabin that I do from my green house on Meadowood. I hope that the cabin feels like home and not just like Oscar's old mining cabin. But, home is wherever the heart is, right? And in a month, our home will officially be at the house on the Stillwater! Ahhhhhh!
Most decisions in my life, I over-anaylze and think to death. I question everything. Yet, leaving my job, which is arguably one of the most drastic things I have ever chosen to do, has left me at peace. I am not questioning whether it is the right choice, because I now on a very deep level that it is. It just feels right.
I am struggling more with packing up things at home. My little green house on Meadowood was the first place that felt like home after my mom died. I spent years moving from house to house, place to place, and when I bought that house (using my mom's life insurance money), I knew I had a stable home all my own. It is where I got married and brought my baby home. I took dozens of wheelbarrows full of rocks and planted my favorite flowers. It has been my safe haven for a decade, and I am struggling moving away from it.
The rational part of me knows that my home is wherever I am with Nick and Bennett. I just desperately hope that I get the same sense of security at the cabin that I do from my green house on Meadowood. I hope that the cabin feels like home and not just like Oscar's old mining cabin. But, home is wherever the heart is, right? And in a month, our home will officially be at the house on the Stillwater! Ahhhhhh!
Monday, April 10, 2017
Straight to the Heart
Most of the time I hate social media. The comparing. And complaining. Political views I find repulsive. The selling of products (no, I would not like Thrive or your It Works wraps, thank you very much). Anyways, I often end up deleting my Facebook or Instagram accounts for weeks at a time. And then I get back on and see something that speaks to my soul, reminding me of the positive aspects of social media. I love when I see a meme or read an article that I feel was written just for me. To encourage me when I need it most. Here are a few things I've seen that seem to have been written just for me:
Wednesday, April 5, 2017
My Friday Roses
Every Friday at school, I have my students write a paragraph reflecting on their week. They are required to tell me the "roses" and "thorns" of their week. I love getting a little snapshot into their life every week.
So, today, I want to document some of my current roses....
* Bennett's health. Although he has some issues (tongue movement, trunk rotation, slow growth, etc.), I am well aware that it could be so much worse. With work and time, his issues will resolve. I see the St. Jude's commercials on TV and literally sob. I just can't even imagine going through something like that. Watching your child dying/suffering in front of you and not being able to do anything to heal them. When Bennett was in the hospital for a week this year, I was an anxious mess. One evening I went down to the gift shop to buy some Chapstick, and on my way back up to the room, there was a severely mental handicapped girl with her mom. And a flood of guilt (and thankfulness) washed over me. Yes, it was a trying and tiring week, but I knew that there was light at the end of our tunnel. And I suddenly thought of all those parents who have children who will struggle their WHOLE life. Perspective is an amazing gift.
* Inspiring moms. I am so thankful for the group of women in my life who support, encourage, and guide me (Sandy, Susie, Laura, Kalin, Elizabeth, Kary, Katie, Karen, Jodi, and Jen...the list goes on and on). They are each role models for the mother I hope to be. They show me what compassion and kindness look like here on Earth. I pray that later on in my journey, I will be able to encourage a struggling young mother the way that they have encouraged me.
* Flowers. Especially tulips. When I first moved into my house almost a decade ago, the previous owner had rocks everywhere. There were zero living things to be found. I spent weeks hauling load upon load of rocks out of the brick beds. And I planted all my favorite flowers: tulips, irises, hyacinth, peonies, snapdragons, hollyhocks, etc. I just love flowers. This is the last spring that I will spend on my little green house on Meadowood. And I have realized that my bed of tulips sprouting are such a metaphor for life: it took a lot of hard work, which has paid off, because they now bring so much beauty. A lot like life, right? Lots of hard work put in, but beautiful moments that make all the pain and heartache worth it.
* Childhood memories. There are so moments from my childhood of pure bliss that I frequently recall. Collecting rocks. Playing at the lake. Riding bikes for hours. Making forts. I hope and pray Bennett has the amount of carefree days in his childhood that I did. (Which is one of the many reasons we are planning on moving to the cabin).
* My car. It is full of dents and scraps (I am admittedly a horrible driver, no judgment please), but it is reliable and safe. It gets me from point A to point B with no problems. I know that wherever I want to take Bennett, my car will get me there without breaking down. It is not lost on me that most people in the world do not have that luxury.
* Food in my pantry and belly. I can afford healthy, organic, GMO free food for my family. I can also afford Lucky Charms and sugary fruit snacks for my family. What a blessing to be able to go to the grocery store and not think twice at checkout. I know I can afford the food I am buying. We have never gone hungry (unless you count the meals that I cooked that were pretty inedible). Again, it is not lost on me that most people in the world do not have that luxury.
* Laughter. There have been moments with my group of students this year that I just want to scream. Or cry. Or maybe run away. But then someone tells a joke or does something silly and we all start laughing. And it's like the "restart" button has been reset and I remember why I teach: students bring me so much joy. Eight year old kids are hilarious. The are blunt and candid and have an interesting way of looking at the world. And most of them think my jokes are pretty funny, too, which is good for the ego.
* Nick. So thankful that he goes to work every day (at a job that he isn't necessarily passionate about) in order to provide for Bennett. I never had a male role model growing up, so this is all new territory to me. I feel so secure and safe knowing that he will always make sure we are taken care of.
So very grateful for all the roses in my life.
So, today, I want to document some of my current roses....
* Bennett's health. Although he has some issues (tongue movement, trunk rotation, slow growth, etc.), I am well aware that it could be so much worse. With work and time, his issues will resolve. I see the St. Jude's commercials on TV and literally sob. I just can't even imagine going through something like that. Watching your child dying/suffering in front of you and not being able to do anything to heal them. When Bennett was in the hospital for a week this year, I was an anxious mess. One evening I went down to the gift shop to buy some Chapstick, and on my way back up to the room, there was a severely mental handicapped girl with her mom. And a flood of guilt (and thankfulness) washed over me. Yes, it was a trying and tiring week, but I knew that there was light at the end of our tunnel. And I suddenly thought of all those parents who have children who will struggle their WHOLE life. Perspective is an amazing gift.
* Inspiring moms. I am so thankful for the group of women in my life who support, encourage, and guide me (Sandy, Susie, Laura, Kalin, Elizabeth, Kary, Katie, Karen, Jodi, and Jen...the list goes on and on). They are each role models for the mother I hope to be. They show me what compassion and kindness look like here on Earth. I pray that later on in my journey, I will be able to encourage a struggling young mother the way that they have encouraged me.
* Flowers. Especially tulips. When I first moved into my house almost a decade ago, the previous owner had rocks everywhere. There were zero living things to be found. I spent weeks hauling load upon load of rocks out of the brick beds. And I planted all my favorite flowers: tulips, irises, hyacinth, peonies, snapdragons, hollyhocks, etc. I just love flowers. This is the last spring that I will spend on my little green house on Meadowood. And I have realized that my bed of tulips sprouting are such a metaphor for life: it took a lot of hard work, which has paid off, because they now bring so much beauty. A lot like life, right? Lots of hard work put in, but beautiful moments that make all the pain and heartache worth it.
* Childhood memories. There are so moments from my childhood of pure bliss that I frequently recall. Collecting rocks. Playing at the lake. Riding bikes for hours. Making forts. I hope and pray Bennett has the amount of carefree days in his childhood that I did. (Which is one of the many reasons we are planning on moving to the cabin).
* My car. It is full of dents and scraps (I am admittedly a horrible driver, no judgment please), but it is reliable and safe. It gets me from point A to point B with no problems. I know that wherever I want to take Bennett, my car will get me there without breaking down. It is not lost on me that most people in the world do not have that luxury.
* Food in my pantry and belly. I can afford healthy, organic, GMO free food for my family. I can also afford Lucky Charms and sugary fruit snacks for my family. What a blessing to be able to go to the grocery store and not think twice at checkout. I know I can afford the food I am buying. We have never gone hungry (unless you count the meals that I cooked that were pretty inedible). Again, it is not lost on me that most people in the world do not have that luxury.
* Laughter. There have been moments with my group of students this year that I just want to scream. Or cry. Or maybe run away. But then someone tells a joke or does something silly and we all start laughing. And it's like the "restart" button has been reset and I remember why I teach: students bring me so much joy. Eight year old kids are hilarious. The are blunt and candid and have an interesting way of looking at the world. And most of them think my jokes are pretty funny, too, which is good for the ego.
* Nick. So thankful that he goes to work every day (at a job that he isn't necessarily passionate about) in order to provide for Bennett. I never had a male role model growing up, so this is all new territory to me. I feel so secure and safe knowing that he will always make sure we are taken care of.
So very grateful for all the roses in my life.
Tuesday, April 4, 2017
My Wishes For My Son
My dearest son,
I hope that you don't conform to the expectations of society "just because." If something doesn't feel right in your gut, stand up against it. Don't ignore your heart - it won't steer you wrong. I have often gotten in trouble for "questioning authority." And you know what? I think it's one of my greatest qualities. Don't just do something because someone in power tell you to. God gave you an amazing brain - use it.
Please stay true to who you are. You are sensitive and emotional, which are amazing qualities. Already at three, though, people seem to want you to be stronger. braver. tougher. But guess what? I think it is the bravest thing of all to be your authentic self. Don't change who you are because society says girls are supposed to be the sensitive ones. (And when you are old enough, watch the documentary "The Mask You Live In"). You can be sensitive and a boy - promise!
I hope that you love school and books and all things education. But honestly, I'd rather you be kind and compassionate rather than intelligent. If you struggle in school, but show love and grace towards others, you will have succeeded in the most important subjects. Just work hard, do your best, and show humility. Straight A's won't get you into Heaven.
I pray you have a forgiving heart. Forgive quickly and let go of what/who hurts you. I am thirty-one years old and this still causes me a lot of trouble. It's so hard to let go of what scars you. Yet, someone once told me, "Not forgiving a person is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die." It's so true. It only hurts yourself to hold on and stay bitter. I hope you will be a more forgiving person than your mother.
I hope that you find at least one good friend that you can go to with anything. In good times and bad, that you have "a person." Maybe it will be me or your dad, or someone else entirely. But it is always good to have someone to count on - no matter the time or circumstance.
That's all for now, my love. You are the reason my heart beats and I have so many wishes for you!
I hope that you don't conform to the expectations of society "just because." If something doesn't feel right in your gut, stand up against it. Don't ignore your heart - it won't steer you wrong. I have often gotten in trouble for "questioning authority." And you know what? I think it's one of my greatest qualities. Don't just do something because someone in power tell you to. God gave you an amazing brain - use it.
Please stay true to who you are. You are sensitive and emotional, which are amazing qualities. Already at three, though, people seem to want you to be stronger. braver. tougher. But guess what? I think it is the bravest thing of all to be your authentic self. Don't change who you are because society says girls are supposed to be the sensitive ones. (And when you are old enough, watch the documentary "The Mask You Live In"). You can be sensitive and a boy - promise!
I hope that you love school and books and all things education. But honestly, I'd rather you be kind and compassionate rather than intelligent. If you struggle in school, but show love and grace towards others, you will have succeeded in the most important subjects. Just work hard, do your best, and show humility. Straight A's won't get you into Heaven.
I pray you have a forgiving heart. Forgive quickly and let go of what/who hurts you. I am thirty-one years old and this still causes me a lot of trouble. It's so hard to let go of what scars you. Yet, someone once told me, "Not forgiving a person is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die." It's so true. It only hurts yourself to hold on and stay bitter. I hope you will be a more forgiving person than your mother.
I hope that you find at least one good friend that you can go to with anything. In good times and bad, that you have "a person." Maybe it will be me or your dad, or someone else entirely. But it is always good to have someone to count on - no matter the time or circumstance.
That's all for now, my love. You are the reason my heart beats and I have so many wishes for you!
Thursday, March 30, 2017
My Favorite
My whole life I have yearned to the "favorite" of those in my life.
I remember my mom talking about the love and care she had for her school kids. I would listen intently to her school stories, but always would end the conversation with, "But I'm your favorite, right?!" "You love me the most, right?"
When my husband talks about his adventures with his friends, I listen wholeheartedly, but secretly want him to end the story with a remark like, "But my adventures and time with you are my favorite."
I've even carried my insecurites over to things I say to Bennett. When tucking him in at night, I always say, "I love you to the moon, stinky face." And more often than not, I'll slip in the words, "You are mommy's favorite."
Nothing makes me beam with more pride then when students come back to visit me years later and say, "You are my favorite teacher I ever had." It just fills me with joy. That someone loved me the most.
I don't know why the obsession with being someone's favorite consumes me so much. I long to be one of those people that is so content in their own skin, that they could care less about the approval of others. Yet, here I am in my thirties, longing to be someone's favorite.
Which is ironic, considering my current place in life: I am clearly not my boss's favorite. I am not a favorite friend to anyone. I am certainly not everyone's favorite teacher, either.
And slowly, but surely, I am coming to terms that everything is okay. Thirty-one years on this Earth, and I am finally realizing all that really matters is that I am my own favorite. If I am content with my gifts, thoughts, and experiences, the approval of others is just icing on the cake. Hopefully someday I will have a best friend, or a boss that adores me, but right now I will just put my energy into accepting (and loving) myself!
I will keep working on becoming my own favorite...
I remember my mom talking about the love and care she had for her school kids. I would listen intently to her school stories, but always would end the conversation with, "But I'm your favorite, right?!" "You love me the most, right?"
When my husband talks about his adventures with his friends, I listen wholeheartedly, but secretly want him to end the story with a remark like, "But my adventures and time with you are my favorite."
I've even carried my insecurites over to things I say to Bennett. When tucking him in at night, I always say, "I love you to the moon, stinky face." And more often than not, I'll slip in the words, "You are mommy's favorite."
Nothing makes me beam with more pride then when students come back to visit me years later and say, "You are my favorite teacher I ever had." It just fills me with joy. That someone loved me the most.
I don't know why the obsession with being someone's favorite consumes me so much. I long to be one of those people that is so content in their own skin, that they could care less about the approval of others. Yet, here I am in my thirties, longing to be someone's favorite.
Which is ironic, considering my current place in life: I am clearly not my boss's favorite. I am not a favorite friend to anyone. I am certainly not everyone's favorite teacher, either.
And slowly, but surely, I am coming to terms that everything is okay. Thirty-one years on this Earth, and I am finally realizing all that really matters is that I am my own favorite. If I am content with my gifts, thoughts, and experiences, the approval of others is just icing on the cake. Hopefully someday I will have a best friend, or a boss that adores me, but right now I will just put my energy into accepting (and loving) myself!
I will keep working on becoming my own favorite...
Tuesday, March 28, 2017
A Leap of Faith
My whole life I knew I wanted to be a teacher. And for almost a decade, I was living my childhood dream. Following in my mom's footsteps. Trying to impact lives the way she did. In my nine years teaching, I had the privilege of teaching hundreds of students. Bonding with dozens of families. And now woven into the fabric of "me" are my years as a teacher. The ironic thing about teaching is that I have gained so much more knowledge from my students then I could have ever passed on to them. Patience. Compassion. Persistence. Kindness. Forgiveness.
Over the years, something about teaching changed for me, though. I have spent countless hours trying to figure out when (and why) things changed. The joy I gained from teaching has lessened, and the anxiety I feel going to work continues to increase. Was it when I had Bennett and became a mom? Not entirely, as I felt restless before having him (although becoming a mom has definitely heightened my feeling of discontentment as a teacher). After much soul-searching, I think it is a combination of factors: the testing pressures increasing, the amount of testing we are required complete, the amount of time we spend analyzing data and not focusing on the human souls we are teaching, classroom sizes continuing to go up, new curriculum every year and feeling as though I am never truly "mastering" anything, and a change in administrators. So year after year and test after test, my "light" has started to diminish.
To be honest, if things would have progressed "normally" this year, I would have probably kept trudging along. My heart at home with Bennett, my body going to school every day. My passion fizzling, but going along with it because it what society says to do. We go to college, get a degree, and then work until retirement.
But then Bennett had surgery. And there were complications. Nights spent at the hospital. Countless follow up appointments for weight checks, occupational therapy visits, etc. And I suddenly had a true "ah-ha" moment. I get ONE SHOT at this mom gig. Bennett will have one childhood. And I am spending it with him at daycare 40+ hours a week, while I am going to a job that I have lost my zest for. And so, we are taking a leap of faith as a family unit. We are going to move to the "cabin" on the Stillwater (aka Nick's grandfather's old house).
We are going to slow life down. Focusing on family, and meals, and surviving the elements in the "country." Building fires. Listening to music on the record player. Growing a garden. Renovating the old mining cabin. It's a way of life that will be all new to me. My heart is so thankful for Nick (and his dad) willing to make this dream of mine a reality. They will have to do a lot of driving back and forth in order for me and Bennett to take a year off. Without those two men, my "year off of teaching" would not be a reality.
We are going to slow life down. Focusing on family, and meals, and surviving the elements in the "country." Building fires. Listening to music on the record player. Growing a garden. Renovating the old mining cabin. It's a way of life that will be all new to me. My heart is so thankful for Nick (and his dad) willing to make this dream of mine a reality. They will have to do a lot of driving back and forth in order for me and Bennett to take a year off. Without those two men, my "year off of teaching" would not be a reality.
Am I scared? Absolutely. Heck, I have never lived farther than five minutes from a Target before. It's a terrifying and depressing thought. Am I excited? SO EXCITED! I get to love on my boy ALL. DAY. LONG. No more waking up before the sun, hurrying to get dressed, fed, and out the door before 7:30. We can take things slow in the morning - enjoy a healthy, not rushed breakfast together. I don't have to spend my day feeling torn - trying desperately to be in the present at school, but aching to spend the day with my son.
There is so much to do still in Billings. A house to sell. A decade of teaching materials to pack up. But it will all come together. It always does. At least that is what I am currently telling my anxiety.
We get one shot at this life. And I am proud to say for the first time in my life I am taking a huge leap of faith!
There is so much to do still in Billings. A house to sell. A decade of teaching materials to pack up. But it will all come together. It always does. At least that is what I am currently telling my anxiety.
We get one shot at this life. And I am proud to say for the first time in my life I am taking a huge leap of faith!
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