A Leap of Faith

My whole life I knew I wanted to be a teacher. And for almost a decade, I was living my childhood dream. Following in my mom's footsteps. Trying to impact lives the way she did. In my nine years teaching, I had the privilege of teaching hundreds of students. Bonding with dozens of families. And now woven into the fabric of "me" are my years as a teacher. The ironic thing about teaching is that I have gained so much more knowledge from my students then I could have ever passed on to them. Patience. Compassion. Persistence. Kindness. Forgiveness.

Over the years, something about teaching changed for me, though. I have spent countless hours trying to figure out when (and why) things changed. The joy I gained from teaching has lessened, and the anxiety I feel going to work continues to increase. Was it when I had Bennett and became a mom? Not entirely, as I felt restless before having him (although becoming a mom has definitely heightened my feeling of discontentment as a teacher). After much soul-searching, I think it is a combination of factors: the testing pressures increasing,  the amount of testing we are required complete, the amount of time we spend analyzing data and not focusing on the human souls we are teaching, classroom sizes continuing to go up,  new curriculum every year and feeling as though I am never truly "mastering" anything, and a change in administrators. So year after year and test after test, my "light" has started to diminish. 

To be honest, if things would have progressed "normally" this year, I would have probably kept trudging along. My heart at home with Bennett, my body going to school every day. My passion fizzling, but going along with it because it what society says to do. We go to college, get a degree, and then work until retirement. 

But then Bennett had surgery. And there were complications. Nights spent at the hospital. Countless follow up appointments for weight checks, occupational therapy visits, etc. And I suddenly had a true "ah-ha" moment. I get ONE SHOT at this mom gig. Bennett will have one childhood. And I am spending it with him at daycare 40+ hours a week, while I am going to a job that I have lost my zest for. And so, we are taking a leap of faith as a family unit. We are going to move to the "cabin" on the Stillwater (aka Nick's grandfather's old house).

We are going to slow life down. Focusing on family, and meals, and surviving the elements in the "country." Building fires. Listening to music on the record player. Growing a garden. Renovating the old mining cabin. It's a way of life that will be all new to me. My heart is so thankful for Nick (and his dad) willing to make this dream of mine a reality. They will have to do a lot of driving back and forth in order for me and Bennett to take a year off. Without those two men, my "year off of teaching" would not be a reality.

Am I scared? Absolutely. Heck, I have never lived farther than five minutes from a Target before. It's a terrifying and depressing thought. Am I excited? SO EXCITED! I get to love on my boy ALL. DAY. LONG. No more waking up before the sun, hurrying to get dressed, fed, and out the door before 7:30. We can take things slow in the morning - enjoy a healthy, not rushed breakfast together. I don't have to spend my day feeling torn - trying desperately to be in the present at school, but aching to spend the day with my son.

There is so much to do still in Billings. A house to sell. A decade of teaching materials to pack up. But it will all come together. It always does. At least that is what I am currently telling my anxiety.

We get one shot at this life. And I am proud to say for the first time in my life I am taking a huge leap of faith!