Lessons Learned in 2017

A Few Lessons Learned in 2017

·      **The first big lesson I want to take away from 2017 is to never (never, never, never) take the health of myself or loved ones for granted. We started 2017 in the hospital. Last year we went through a surgery, three ER visits, and two hospital stays. It was exhausting and I was scared, sad, terrified, anxious, and wanted nothing more than to have my son home, happy and healthy. It wasn’t an overnight, miraculous healing. But we are in SUCH a better place a year later. I want to never take for granted that Bennett is healthy, growing, meeting his milestones, etc. My heart breaks for the families who are not that lucky. I can honestly say that seeing my child suffer is the hardest thing I’ve ever endured in my lifetime (and my life hasn’t always been a flippin’ cake walk).

·      **Bennett has recently been into Disney movies (since our super kind neighbor gave him about every Disney movie ever made on VHS). The other day he recognizes, “Every movie has a bad guy.” And man is he right. Every story has a villain. Which got me thinking even more. Yes, every person has a villain. It could be a person, a disease, an addiction, etc. But I feel like it is up to the protagonist to determine how much energy that villain receives. When I look back on my 32 years, I can think of four people who I would truly classify as my life’s villains thus far. They brought pain, rejection, cruelty, etc. Yet, it is my job to not let that hurt consume me. Cinderella married that handsome prince, and didn’t give those wicked stepsisters a second thought. Simba got married and had his own lion cub, not letting the pain that his uncle Scar caused to consume him.  I could go on, but you get the point. I am ready to put my “villains” in the past. They have already consumed too much of my time and energy.

·     ** I really struggled with moving to Absarokee. I mean we live in a gorgeous place and are meeting delightful people in the community. I just longed for the feeling of home that I felt in my little green house on Meadowood Street.  One of my favorite artists, Brandi Carlile, sings in a song, “Wherever is your heart, I call home...” And the obvious hit me. Bennett and Nick are my home. So it doesn’t matter if we live in Billings or Absarokee or the North Pole. If we are together, that’s home. Once I started reminding myself of the blessing that is my reality (getting to be home with Bennett), the longing for that little green house became less and less.

·      **I have been stubborn and independent my whole life. To an extreme. I am well aware that it is probably my greatest weakness. However, an event this year humbled me enough to actually reach out and ask for help. And two *very intense* feelings followed. First, the sting of rejection. There were people who ignored my request for help. No response when I reached out. And man that stung. I felt deeply invested in a relationship, and that same respect wasn’t reciprocated. And so I started questioning all those years. Was it all a waste? Why wasn’t I worthy of their time and energy now? And it took months to realize: it’s not about me. I will never understand why those people couldn’t show up when I needed them. But they couldn’t. And so I need to move on. However, an amazing feeling happened during this time, too. I asked for help, and many, many friends showed up. They gave me the love, encouragement, and support that I desperately needed. They filled my cup until I had a flood of love around me. I will always hold those people near and dear. And I hope that some day I will be able to reciprocate the love, kindness, and grace that they showed me in 2017.

·      **Lastly, in 2017 I learned that I can deeply love something and feel resentment towards it at the same time. I love, love, love my moments at home with Bennett. In my mind, there is truly no more important work that I could be doing. However, I long for the days where I felt more purpose and connection. I miss the notes from my students and seeing their faces light up when understanding a concept for the first time. So, I have learned that it’s okay to be in love with my current life, but at times to long for my “old” life, too. Life is full of many seasons, and I am determined to cherish this current one, as I know it is fleeting....