the birth of Hayes

For starters, my pregnancy with Hayes was so different from with Bennett. I had hardly any nausea, but a lot more physical discomfort, mainly my hips hurting. Thank goodness for chiropractic care - it gave me much needed relief throughout the course of the pregnancy.

Throughout my pregnancy, I read dozens of books on the topic of natural/unmedicated childbirth, as well as listened to podcasts daily on the topic of birth (my two favorites were Birthful and The Birth Hour). It was my goal, even prior to getting pregnant, to have a successful VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean). My birth experience with Bennett was quite traumatizing. Because he was breech, we had a scheduled c section. The whole experience was quite unnatural and left me feeling very defeated. I was mad at my body for not being able to birth the baby that I spent nine months growing. In hindsight, I would have been much more educated and requested a gentle cesarean (asking for a clear drape that allows you to see the baby,  having the baby put on my chest immediately, etc.). It was so unnatural having my child whisked away and held by strangers before I ever got to hold him. I knew if I ever was blessed with another baby, I wanted a different birth experience. So I made it my mission with Hayes to become educated on all things birth. I know Nick was so sick for hearing about my newly discovered birth knowledge :)

Early on in my pregnancy, I asked my doctor is she would allow me to go past my due date. I knew in order to have a successful VBAC, the best option would be to go into spontaneous labor versus being induced. She assured me that if everything looked good, that would not be an issue. Also, my due date was May 20th, which was the exact week Nick would be in Helena for his graduation from the IBEW apprenticeship program. After five years, it was his final week that would result in his graduation. So, I could very well be one of the only woman ever pleading/hoping/praying to go PAST my due date. Due to Bennett’s small size, I knew more time in the womb would allow this baby to fatten up, too.



When I reached 40 weeks, my doctor suddenly changed her tune regarding going past due. To make a long story short, after my 40 week appointment, I received a call from St V’s Labor and Delivery verifying my induction for Monday (which would be 41 weeks exactly). I was so upset. That was NOT what my doctor and I discussed at my appointment, In fact, we had scheduled an ultrasound and NST for Wednesday and would come up with a game plan then. It was really upsetting to find out about a scheduled induction from a person processing paperwork at the hospital versus my own doctor. I felt very mislead and hurt at this point. I still trusted my body and my baby to go into labor when the time was right.



Thankfully on Saturday (the 25th), things just felt different. Nick and Bennett and I took a walk in the morning, and I was feeling slower than normal. Then we took a drive to the dump on our gravel road and I felt very uncomfortable. That night, I went to bed around 9:00, but woke up an hour or so later with pretty regular contractions. I had prodromal labor and contractions for a couple weeks prior, but this definitely felt different. I woke Nick up around midnight and told him that I was in early labor, but to go back to sleep and I would wake him if things got more intense. So, I laid on the couch, timing the contractions, trying to rest. I wasn’t able to sleep, due to a combination of excitement and discomfort. I got up and ate some WIlcoxon's chocolate peanut butter ice cream around 3:00 am. I also lost my mucus plug around this time, confirming that this was indeed the real deal. Around 10:00 am, I decided it was time to head to Billings, as the contractions were getting closer together and stronger. We stopped in Laurel for Subway, banana bread at City Brew (one of the few foods Bennett loves), and Walmart for a couple items. Once we got to Billings, I needed to go to the bathroom, so we stopped at Kohls, where we ran into Bennett’s old daycare provider, Renee. That will always be a special memory that Bennett has of the birth, because he was so happy to see her. After that, we went to a playground, where Nick and Bennett played, while I tried to walk/breathe through the contractions.

After the playground, we went to Nick’s parent’s house. Shortly after arriving there, my water broke. I am so thankful for this experience, as it was one thing that I really wanted to experience naturally (don’t ask me why). However, once my water broke, the intensity of contractions really picked up. The only relief I got was when sitting on the toilet. At this point, time gets a little jumbled. I think around 3:30, we headed to the hospital, which was a very uncomfortable car ride. Although I practiced Hypnobirthing every day throughout my pregnancy, I was finding it hard to remain calm and to just focus on my breathing.

Once we arrived at the hospital, the doula we hired met us there. After doing all the required hospital admission steps (urine sample, HEB lock, etc), my doula got me a bath ready. As much as I enjoyed the relief that the water gave, the intensity of the contractions were more than I ever imagined. I don’t know if it was Hayes’s position, the uterine scar from the c section, or just my pain tolerance, but I knew at that point I wanted the epidural. Even though my game plan and goal was an unmedicated labor, that all went out the window with the intensity of the pain. Once I got out of the tub, I threw up in the sink, and had to get another IV put in, since I ripped the other one out in my vomiting spell. Oh I was miserable. Around 6:30, the anesthesiologist, Dr. Bennett, came in and gave me the epidural. Oh my gosh - relief! And it was an amazing epidural. I was still able to move my legs completely, but the intense pain was gone. I was able to enjoy the rest of the birth.

At one point, Hayes’s heart rate dropped and didn’t come back up quickly. They had me get on my hands and knees on the bed, which brought it back up. This was the only time throughout the labor that I thought maybe a VBAC wasn’t going to be in the cards. I was so afraid of having to be rushed into an emergency c section situation. After that incident, though, it was smooth sailing.

Around 10:00 or so, it was time to start pushing. I expected this part of labor to be short, but I pushed and pushed with each contraction until he was born at 11:29. My nurse, Jessie, was so encouraging through this time. She made me feel confident in my body’s ability to birth this baby. It was the hardest and best work I have ever done. The doctor on call, Kyla Carlson, was absolutely amazing. She was encouraging and funny. Throughout my entire pregnancy, I was so worried about not having MY doctor as the one delivering my baby, but it turned out better than I could have ever imagined. I would choose Dr. Carlson again and again. She was just who I needed for my labor and delivery, and I will forever be grateful she is a part of my birth story. The labor and delivery nurses I had were amazing. I will also forever be grateful for Stephanie and Jessie. They were simply delightful - encouraging, kind, and loving. In hindsight, I would not hire the doula, as the nurses and Nick were all I needed and more. I feel as though I was disappointed with the doula by requesting the epidural, and not following through with the planned Hypnobirth. But my doula regret is another story... ;)

Once he was out, he was brought to my chest and we were able to do skin to skin for the first hour. This was a dream come true for me, as I didn’t get that experience with Bennett. Hayes breastfeed for forty minutes and then they took him to weigh, measure, do footprints, etc. I remember feeling very irritated that they were taking so long with him - I just wanted to hold him and never let go. I remember saying to Nick several times, “I did it.” I felt so accomplished. I had my VBAC and I couldn’t be happier with how everything played out. The birth of Hayes has been very healing and redemptive for me.


Other birth tidbits I want to remember:

*Hayes was in a funky position, which caused him to have a pretty large bruise on his head. The cord was wrapped around his neck, which explains what caused some of his heart decels while I was laboring. He swallowed a ton of amniotic fluid, which filled his little tummy up, which caused him a lack of interest in breastfeeding initially. On Monday morning (the 27th), they drained his stomach of all the amniotic fluid, which helped tremendously.

*On Monday night, Nick went to sleep with Bennett at his parents. So, I was alone in my room. The nurse had just come to take Hayes to do all of this 24 hour testing. A resident walked into the room and told me there was an active shooter and to barricade myself into the room. I didn’t listen and went out into the hallway to find Hayes. Until the all clear was given, I stayed in the nurses lounge with Hayes and all the nurses. It ended up being bottle rockets, I guess, but a memorable story nonetheless.

*Nick ordered Jimmy Johns while I was in labor, so after delivering Hayes, I ate that Turkey Tom sandwich and it tasted incredible!

* Mother/newborn nurses are true angels. Postpartum, I was a bleeding, hormonal, exhausted mess. And man those woman treated me with such kindness. I will forever be grateful for Macy and Macy (different nurses, same name), they treated me with such compassion and kindness during my two nights in the hospital.

Life Lately

I am writing this with no other intention than documenting so that I can look back and remember the highs and lows of life at this current moment. I really want to do a better job of documenting our life, so Bennett has a record of his childhood when he is older. I sure wish I had a snapshot of what my mom was thinking and feeling during my own childhood. So, long story short, it is my goal to post something at least once a month....

Here are some thoughts that are swirling in my mind currently..


1) We are having a baby!! And I’m excited and terrified and thrilled and anxious. It’s funny because this pregnacy has been the polar opposite of my pregnancy with Bennett (mainly it was planned and I’m not throwing up every hour ;)). But it doesn’t make the process any less overwhelming. I am so very excited for the future of our little family, but there are a lot of moments of panic mixed in.

2) I have heard it before, and I know it logically to be true, but the other day I seemed to understand anxiety for what it really is: future tripping. Everything about anxiety is concerning the future. Worrying about what could or might happen. But if I am truly focused on this moment, there can’t be crippling anxiety present. A perfect example is the Fall season. I have spent the last month focusing on my dread of the upcoming winter. Thinking of how miserable the snow, cold, and awful roads bother me. How my mental health suffers in the winter months. But the problem with this is that I miss out on the joys of the beauty of fall. The beautiful leaves, the crisp air, etc. aren’t as wonderful as they should be to me, because my head is already in winter. So,  it is a current goal of mine to spend much more time soaking up the moment versus being stuck in my head worrying about things that could go wrong in the future. Much easier said than done, but I am definitely being mindful of training my mind to focus on the here and now

3) There are days I love living in the country (no traffic, friendly faces at the store, etc.) and there are times I hate it (it’s a muddy mess, inconvenient, etc.). And I am accepting that it is okay to miss things about city living. For months, I felt guilty not liking certain aspects of our location. I am realizing now, though, that there is power in honesty. And it’s okay not to love everything about our lives. It’s just not focusing on the bad that is crucial!

4) I am absolutely loving Bennetts age and stage lately. It is so fun to watch him develop his own interests and his own distinct personality. He is obsessed with all things robots, Star Wars Lego sets, and pretend play (potions, monsters, etc.). I love watching his creativity really blossom lately!

5) One day while Bennett was at preschool, I planted over 200 tulips bulbs, as well as a couple dozen phlox bulbs. And it dawned on me that when they bloom in the spring, we will have a baby!! What a miracle that growing a baby (and flowers) truly is!

6) At this stage in my pregnancy, it really has been smooth sailing so far. Sure there is anxiety with every thing that I consume, and smell, and touch. I am taking good quality vitamins, probiotics, and DHA. Making sure to exercise daily. I’m pretty much parenoid all the time trying to ensure that I am giving this baby the best home possible until May. So in the mental sense, this time around is very similar to with Bennett. But physical, it has been so much easier this go around. I am nauseas almost all day, but there hasn’t been the constant vomiting like with B, and for that I am so grateful.

7) I know I’m late to the party, but I am FINALLY to a point in my life where the opinions of others do not dictate the choices I make. It only took 33 years. I really had a revelation that this is MY life and I need to do what is best for ME. So, although it is never a good feeling to disappoint people or to make a decision that you know someone you love will disagree with, it is quite freeing to no longer put others’ approval into my decision making process.

8) I have moments every day where I think to myself, “Man, I wish I could freeze this moment.” And it is not lost on me what a blessing that is. I am grateful beyond measure to lead a life that regularly gives me moments like that.

9) Now that we have a baby on the way, my motivation to finish projects around the house is strong. I want to rip out the carpets, get new kitchen counter tops, paint the exterior of the house, and I could go on and on. Logically,,  I know that those don’t need to be completed by May, but I am definitely spending a lot of my time pestering Nick about those projects. ;)

10) I realized the other day that love between Nick and myself sure looks a lot differently today than it did at the beginning of our relationship. Almost seven years ago, loving gestures were things like flowers, fun weekend getaways, and romantic dinners. Now I feel intense love for him when he stacks the firewood close to the house, goes to Costco to get my current cravings, and rotates the tires on my car. Yes, our relationship looks different all these years later, but I’m so incredibly grateful for a man who is such a good provider.

11) My life is richer and lovelier than I ever dreamed. In dark moments, I need to remember that I am living the life I once longed for!

Lessons Learned in 2017

A Few Lessons Learned in 2017

·      **The first big lesson I want to take away from 2017 is to never (never, never, never) take the health of myself or loved ones for granted. We started 2017 in the hospital. Last year we went through a surgery, three ER visits, and two hospital stays. It was exhausting and I was scared, sad, terrified, anxious, and wanted nothing more than to have my son home, happy and healthy. It wasn’t an overnight, miraculous healing. But we are in SUCH a better place a year later. I want to never take for granted that Bennett is healthy, growing, meeting his milestones, etc. My heart breaks for the families who are not that lucky. I can honestly say that seeing my child suffer is the hardest thing I’ve ever endured in my lifetime (and my life hasn’t always been a flippin’ cake walk).

·      **Bennett has recently been into Disney movies (since our super kind neighbor gave him about every Disney movie ever made on VHS). The other day he recognizes, “Every movie has a bad guy.” And man is he right. Every story has a villain. Which got me thinking even more. Yes, every person has a villain. It could be a person, a disease, an addiction, etc. But I feel like it is up to the protagonist to determine how much energy that villain receives. When I look back on my 32 years, I can think of four people who I would truly classify as my life’s villains thus far. They brought pain, rejection, cruelty, etc. Yet, it is my job to not let that hurt consume me. Cinderella married that handsome prince, and didn’t give those wicked stepsisters a second thought. Simba got married and had his own lion cub, not letting the pain that his uncle Scar caused to consume him.  I could go on, but you get the point. I am ready to put my “villains” in the past. They have already consumed too much of my time and energy.

·     ** I really struggled with moving to Absarokee. I mean we live in a gorgeous place and are meeting delightful people in the community. I just longed for the feeling of home that I felt in my little green house on Meadowood Street.  One of my favorite artists, Brandi Carlile, sings in a song, “Wherever is your heart, I call home...” And the obvious hit me. Bennett and Nick are my home. So it doesn’t matter if we live in Billings or Absarokee or the North Pole. If we are together, that’s home. Once I started reminding myself of the blessing that is my reality (getting to be home with Bennett), the longing for that little green house became less and less.

·      **I have been stubborn and independent my whole life. To an extreme. I am well aware that it is probably my greatest weakness. However, an event this year humbled me enough to actually reach out and ask for help. And two *very intense* feelings followed. First, the sting of rejection. There were people who ignored my request for help. No response when I reached out. And man that stung. I felt deeply invested in a relationship, and that same respect wasn’t reciprocated. And so I started questioning all those years. Was it all a waste? Why wasn’t I worthy of their time and energy now? And it took months to realize: it’s not about me. I will never understand why those people couldn’t show up when I needed them. But they couldn’t. And so I need to move on. However, an amazing feeling happened during this time, too. I asked for help, and many, many friends showed up. They gave me the love, encouragement, and support that I desperately needed. They filled my cup until I had a flood of love around me. I will always hold those people near and dear. And I hope that some day I will be able to reciprocate the love, kindness, and grace that they showed me in 2017.

·      **Lastly, in 2017 I learned that I can deeply love something and feel resentment towards it at the same time. I love, love, love my moments at home with Bennett. In my mind, there is truly no more important work that I could be doing. However, I long for the days where I felt more purpose and connection. I miss the notes from my students and seeing their faces light up when understanding a concept for the first time. So, I have learned that it’s okay to be in love with my current life, but at times to long for my “old” life, too. Life is full of many seasons, and I am determined to cherish this current one, as I know it is fleeting....

Bennettisms

Every day, Bennett causes me to chuckle several times with things he says (and how he says them). Here are some current things he has said that have cracked me up:

* He loves to argue with my word choice. If I say something about the mud, he'll correct me: it's not mud, "it's wet dirt." If I say we are going to turn right, he informs me that we call that "not left." If I ask he wants a short-sleeved shirt, he will instead request "a shirt without long sleeves." He is pretty clever in how he phrases the OPPOSITE of what I say.

* About a hundred times a day (I'm not exaggerating) he says, "Wait! I have a good idea!" And then just says something normal. Like requesting a drink or certain TV show. But I guess in his little mind those are great ideas.

* I love the way he says "girl." He pronounces it like "grill" but with a w instead of the r. So he will say, "I am a boy and you are a gwill." It's the cutest.

* When Nick comes home from work, he happily announces, "Welcome to Bazorkee." (In his defense, Absarokee is a hard word).

* I asked him the other day if he would like to get a lab puppy in the spring. Without hesitation he replied, "Sure, but can we sell Olive?" (Olive is a typical puppy and likes to chew on his toys... and pee everywhere... and run the other way when called... and wakes us up early in the morning...). Maybe he's on to something :)

* He loves the word "regular." He only likes "regular" milk and "regular" pizza and "regular" dinosaurs.

* The other night I asked him, "How'd you get so darn cute dude?!?" His reply, "All daddy." He's right, but he didn't need to say that ;)

 * When eating Cheetos for the first time the other day, he exclaimed, "Those were delicious cheetahs! We should go shoot some more." Granted, he is used to eating the meat that Nick hunts (elk, antelope, etc.). So in his little mind those orange Cheetos surely came from an animal!

* He is big into dinosaurs right now. Which I love, because my mom LOVED paleontology. When you ask him to name a certain dinosaur, he'll reply, "That's an ancient stegosaurus" or "That's an ancient triceratops," Don't know where he picked up on the ancient word, but it's too cute.

Half My Life

In November of 2001, my mom took her last breath. Finding her that Thanksgiving morning altered the whole course of my life. Life would never be the same and a piece of my heart would forever be missing. I am now 32 years old, yet there are frequent moments that I feel like that terrified sixteen year old. Half my life I have lived on this Earth without a mother. Here are some thoughts:


When my mom first died, it was so excruciatingly painful because I could remember every detail of our life and time together. It's like I could feel her. She was just with me. Everything hurt because of how close she felt to me. I could remember our last car ride conversation (our best talks were always in the car), the color of her painted nails, the last song we blasted on the radio, and the last argument we had. It was all so fresh in my mind, which was so. damn. painful. Fast forward sixteen years, I yearn for those details to flood over me. Now I feel pain because most details of her are dimming. And I want more than anything to feel like she was just with me. But memories are fading. Details are blurry. I can barely even remember what her voice even sounded like. And in a way, that causes me more pain than the initial loss.


For much of my life, I put my mom on a pedestal that I realize, in hindsight, probably wasn't healthy. When your mother dies, people come forward with countless stories of how her kindness and love touched their lives. It's inspiring and heartwarming. But much of my life I found myself overwhelmed at trying to fill my mom's shoes. I found (and still find) myself wishing I could be as good and decent and compassionate as my mom. She was funny and laid-back and passionate and kind. She would give anyone in need the shirt off her back. But you know what? It is important, and healthy, for me to remember her not-so-good qualities, too. Because she wasn't perfect, despite what people tell me. She was a horrible cook, spent too much energy worrying about work, enabled me a little too much, and had demons she faced, too. She wasn't perfect. And she wouldn't (and didn't) expect me to be perfect, either. I wish I could tell all that to my sixteen year old self...


I recently discovered a podcast called Terrible, Thanks for Asking. And I love it. It's all about grief and loss and other tough issues. In the first episode, two widows discuss how they want to create an environment so that their sons can feel their dads. That even though they are gone, through memories and memorabilia, their sons can feel like they know their deceased fathers. I have struggled with this a lot since having Bennett. Oh, how I wish he could know his maternal grandma. She would have been amazing with him, because she just had a way of making people feel so special. We talk a lot about Grandma Twila. Her name comes up almost daily. There is no sweeter sound than when Bennett says her name. He knows that she loved the Green Bay Packers, the color purple, sunflowers, and Vince Gill. But that's not enough. Not nearly enough. I wish more than anything in the world that he could know her. Really know her. He'd be a better person for it. I will continue to try to make her as much a part of the family as a dead woman can be...


I have abandonment issues that are deep. My father left before I was born and my mom died in the throws of adolescent turmoil. And those two losses have shaped me in painful ways. Add on abuse, family alcoholism, and a slew of other things and it starts explaining why I'm a pretty big ol' mess ;). I don't trust most people. And if I do find myself trusting them, I try and push them away before I can get hurt. A counselor once told me that sometimes when trauma happens to a person, they "freeze" at the age of the traumatic event(s). And I think there is a lot of truth in that. Even though I am a thirty-two year old mother, I often feel myself handling things like a teenager. I don't think I have truly healed from the painful events in my life, but you can't change what you don't acknowledge, right?


I have more to write later, but reality is calling and nap time is over. Until next time....

Ten Tidbits on a Tuesday

1) We had a TON of leaves to rake up. Bennett was NOT much help, as he kept raking my piles apart. We spent many, many hours raking those leaves and I loved that time with my boy. 

2) I was never much of a Halloween fan, but that changed with Bennett. Is there anything cuter than kids in costumes? Not really... (He had wanted to be a firefighter for months, but just in the last week became adamant that he wanted to be a hunter *insert eye roll*). I forced him to wear his firefighter costume to preschool today. Maybe I can through a "hunter guy" costume together for actual trick-or-treating tonight...

3) Every time we pass by this field, Bennett asks, "Do you think that tree is lonely?" It really got me thinking. At first I told him I didn't know, but yesterday when he asked I replied, "I don't think it could be too lonely because it is surrounded by so much beauty to enjoy." 

4) I pin a lot of ideas on Pinterest, but probably execute less than 1% of those said ideas. However, I did have the boys spend the evening making a gratitude pumpkin with me. I LOVE that kind of stuff, but they were less than enthusiastic. 

5) I was able to make a couple cute little Halloween treats for Bennett's preschool class. It made me so, so happy to be able to do such a simple task. When I worked full-time as a teacher, there is no way I would have had the desire, time, or energy to spend an evening making homemade treats. I am thankful I have the opportunity to do things like this (at least for a year). 

5) When I worked at Barnes and Noble over ten years ago, I took home some empty tea tins. I thought they were too cute to throw away, but didn't have an idea of how to use them. So they have moved with me everywhere for over a decade, lifeless in a bag. I *finally* put them on display with little succulents last week. I am glad I held on to them for so many years, because they bring me joy as I wash dishes now. 

6) LOVE driving back into town after running errands. It really is starting to feel like home.

7) Bennett got a hair cut last week and he was less than impressed. Luckily, Danelle is patient and it turned out cute! When Bennett ain't happy, ain't nobody happy ;)

8) Throughout the month of October, I pulled over constantly taking pictures. The beauty of fall leaves me breathless. The colors are just too pretty to NOT photograph. Pretty much all the trees are bare now, and I am kind of dreading winter out here. Hopefully I will find beauty in the snow covered land, too. 

9) We recently did a mini-photo session with Christine Bakke. I loved the pictures she got and was blessed to meet such a nice lady who lives close. I am very interested in getting into photography, so I was asking her questions the whole time we were together. She is one of those people who inspires me, so I hope to pick her brain more in the near future!

10) I recently bought a new chair for an awkward little space in our living room. It is kind of embarrassing how much joy this little chair is bringing me. I am obsessed with all paisley and flower patterns, so this chair is perfect! 

Life Lately

A handful of thoughtful friends have reached out lately to ask about life out here. So, here is a little snippet into our new normal...

* The beauty of this country literally leaves me speechless a lot of days. It is a frequent occurrence that I pull the car over and take a picture. Bennett has quit asking why we are stopping again. He knows that mama needs another picture. :)

* I thought I would want to come into Billings at least once a week to shop and get a taste of familiar places and faces. However, now that we are out here, I find about every excuse in the book to NOT drive into Billings. I don't miss the traffic. I don't miss the hurried-feel of most stores. I would way prefer to spend a few extra dollars at the local IGA where the cashiers hug my son and offer him treats. It really is a different atmosphere at stores here. People look you in the eye and smile. Learn your name. And if I get desperate and can't get a product locally, Amazon to the rescue! ;)

* Most days I feel pangs of loneliness. The beginning of the school year was especially rough. I truly did miss the excitement of getting my classroom ready, looking forward to meeting a new group of kids, etc. I felt pretty lonely out here, knowing that only 60+ miles away, people close to me were feeling such warmth and human-connection. So, I took a little social media break, wallowed a bit, and the overwhelming feeling of regret and jealousy has mostly subsided.

* I love, love, love my days with Bennett. I love the slower-paced mornings. I love the extra time for snuggles. The days can get long, though. And sometimes I want a break just for a few minutes. I actually feel like I was a bit more patient as a working mom, because of the guilt of being away all day, I was more mindful of being extra patient. Now that we are together all day, every day, I know I am more quick to get irritated or raise my voice.

* It really does feel like a zoo around here at certain moments. Our new Yorkie puppy, Olive, is NAUGHTY. We are struggling with house training (over a month later!). She chews on every and any thing. She is feisty and doesn't listen. She escapes from her harness and crate regularly. Pretty much keeps me on my toes all day. But oh how I love her. She really does bring a lot of joy! The kittens are fun. I've never had cats, so it's been a learning curve for sure (ear mites, litter boxes, etc.). They love my flower beds and the apple trees, so that is the first place we look when we can't find them.

* Speaking of apple trees, we have hundreds and hundreds of apples. And I have baked dozens of apple muffins with maple glaze, which are Nick's favorite apple treat I've created. I have also made five different batches of apple butter, which I think I have perfected now. There have been several times while picking and peeling the apples, that I feel a little like Diana Keaton's character on Baby Boom. :) I am even learning how to can things we've grown, which I feel like would make Nick's grandma Thelma proud.

* Lastly, podcasts have become a saving-grace during my transition time out here. My favorites are Oprah's Super Soul Conversations, Sincerely X (by Ted Talks), and Beautifully Anonymous. Listening to others who struggle with similar obstacles and is refreshing and uplifting. It is important for me to remember we are not meant to go through the trials (and highs) of life alone. There is always hope, always something to be thankful for and beauty and love really are everywhere!

I am going to try to write something once a week now that I feel settled and ready to release some of the ideas floating around in my head. I've got lots of blog topics brewing in my mind that I want to write about (anxiety, baby-fever, self esteem, abandonment, etc), so stay tuned....